Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Goodbye to my Love

Today has been a very sad day. My boyfriend and I have been having the long goodbye for sometime and today was the day we made it official that we're no longer a couple. July 29 would have been 5 years since we met. They say four years is really the difficult time to get through a relationship - not seven - and so it is with us.

I have shared my heart and soul with this man on an intimacy level that I never thought possible for me. I miss him greatly, and will for a long time to come. He is a good, honest, trustworthy, faithful man. I have treasured being the woman he was in love with. He made me want to be a better person.

I went down to Quivira just to get away late in the day but I couldn't really get through the roads because of the recent rain. So I just drove around for a little while, out in the country, in the sunshine. At one point it looked like it was going to rain, which matched my mood, but it was just brief - a few rain drops. I wish I could say the same for my tears falling. My eyes are sore. But, they will heal. As they always do.

As I was coming back into town, a song that sums up my thoughts about such things came on the radio as I was turning onto my street - Garth Brooks' "The Dance." Ironic that it would come on right then. It's such a true song - I would not have missed the wonderful parts of this relationship to avoid the pain of this day and the ones past and the ones to come.

Life seems to come with a hearty helping of relationship pain for many of us. I'm not sure why that is, but I must have been in the front of the line on that one. I'm pretty careful with my heart. I'm 43 and only been in love three times. But, when you consider that there are people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and older who have never broken up with a boyfriend, who have never ended a relationship, who have never gone through this day, it's rather amazing that at age 43 I'm a veteran. Unfortunately, the fact that I have experience doesn't make it hurt less.

I don't have a lot of friends who can relate to this. But, I don't really want to talk anyway - it will just make me breakdown - and I really don't like to do that in front of people. I keep things like this private, generally. There's a reason they call it a "private life." I really debated mentioning it here, but thought it only fair to those of you who read regularly that I share a bit of my true personal life with you.

Trish is the only girl friend I've talked to about the situation prior to this. Besides, it's not like there's anything to say really. It's over. It hurts. It will hurt for a long time. And then it will hurt less. And then it will settle into a dull hurt that things couldn't be different. Then I'll focus on the good and let the negative fade away. And hopefully I'll learn.

You cannot make someone feel something for you that they no longer feel. So, there's no point trying. You can wonder why and what happened, but you'll just make yourself crazy. So, best to just accept it - get your questions answered if you can - but just accept. I have many questions. I don't know if he will answer them for me or not. Maybe. It would help give me closure but that is a gift one can only request, not expect.

With every relationship it is its own special creation, made by the two of you, unique and precious. And you never know that the last time you kiss or the last time you make love is going to be the last time until later. You don't know it is the last time you'll whisper good night into the darkness while holding each other close,or wake up feeling him close, until later. That's why each interaction with everyone in your life must always be treated as the last. All relationships end by choice or by death, and we never know when it will be.

I wanted him to know that I loved him - truly, madly, deeply - and that I did the best I could in this relationship. I gave it all I had to give and that wasn't enough. I'm not sure where that leaves me at - other than obviously alone for quite some time. But one doesn't have more to give than their "all" and I can honestly say I didn't hold back. I believe in giving 100% to everything - I never want to fail because I did something part way. Well, I loved fully and it still failed. That hurts. But at least I know I did the best I could. It just wasn't enough.

People's lives change, and sometimes there's no way to bring two of them together. There was a large age difference between us - 17 years. We are at different places in our lives. The age wasn't always an issue - he was more mature than his years, I was very "young" in my attitudes toward things - so it worked. But, he has things to do that twenty-somethings do, like build a career, and I don't fit into that. I wish I did, but in his mind I don't, and there's nothing I can do about that.

Whenever a relationship ends, I have to have some time by myself, to rediscover who I am as an individual. At some point in the future I'll meet someone else, but it will be a long time before I'm ready for that.

This man will always be special to me. He will always be someone I love and care about. I hope over time we will settle into a friendship. Being loved and accepted is a rare, rare thing in this world - it doesn't come casually into your life. Knowing how rare it is, I have always tried to treat it with great respect when it's given. He gave that freely and I am thankful. I am not sure that at his age he knows how rare it is, and I hope he never finds out. I hope he finds true love and is happy all his days, without the pain of discovering how rare it is to have true love. He is a wonderful man and deserves much happiness.

I'll always be grateful for the time I shared with him - the kindness, the grace, the love he gave me was a beautiful thing. I was blessed to have him in my life. I hope he would say the same about me. I miss him.

An Elegant Gathering of White Snows

I finished "An Elegant Gathering of White Snows" by Kris Radish tonight. I've been reading this book for a few weeks - trying to go slowly because it was so good I didn't want it to end.

The story is about eight women who walk across their county and the things they learn over that time. It had great character development, which is something I love in books. Although there were so many people in the book it was hard for me to keep them all straight.

It's one of those books you know you'll remember for a long time to come. And it speaks to why women bond well with each other. And, the support we give each other.

I'm blessed to have great women friends in my life now. I treasure them.


This is a recent photo of my favorite small person, Lily. I snapped it when I popped in to see if Diana wanted to join Julie and me for margaritas after work.

Julie and I had Altrusa, and I was in the mood for a margarita beforehand. It's weird for me to want to do that so Julie jumped at the idea and we went to the Anchor. It was a nice way to start the evening.

After Altrusa, we went with Peggy to the Metro and had tea and talked more.

Lily is rarely in her seat, as it seems there's always an adult around wanting to hold her. She has just awakened from a nap. She's a very laid back little gal. Of course, she wasn't in the seat more than 90 seconds after she woke up - we were holding her.

She still likes to snuggle, which is lovely. And I believe at only 3 1/2 months she's already well aware that I'm likely to do whatever she wants - bouncing, walking around, whatever.