It was eight weeks ago today (Tuesday) that I had surgery. In some ways it seems like it was a year ago and in others it still seems very fresh. I feel great considering what my body has been through but every once in awhile I feel a little twinge of pain here or there and am reminded quite readily.
Tomorrow afternoon they're coming to pick up the hospital bed and for the first time in eight weeks I will sleep in my own bed. Upstairs. I haven't been upstairs in my house this whole time. Not only is my bed up there, but also my art studio and my library. Needless to say, I want to play. I had to fight with myself on Saturday to not go upstairs but I resisted until the eight week mark was passed.
They told me I could climb steps right away as long as I did it very carefully, and putting both feet on one step, then the next, etc. But, when I first came home I could feel every step I took when I went up and down them at my porch and decided I didn't need to do any more steps than necessary. At six weeks they told me I could start doing more steps, but still the same careful way, but they'd prefer I gave myself eight weeks to heal. I figured I'd gone that long, I could go two more weeks.
Well, magically, in just the last couple of days, I've noticed there is no twinge when I go up or down steps. Isn't it interesting how they can speculate how long it will take you to heal to that degree? Apparently I really did need eight weeks for this particular thing. Tomorrow night I will put that to the test. I hope it goes well since I'll have no bed to sleep in if it doesn't.
It will feel odd to be going upstairs at night. I have gotten used to sleeping in the dining room, but I think I can adjust. That's part of what all of this is about - adjusting.
Soon, I need to take a couple of days off and go away somewhere and fall apart. I haven't done that - in fact, I've cried very little considering the situation. But, I must fall apart and then put myself back together again, incorporating this into my idea of who I am. I'm now a person who has actually made a living will and given someone durable power of attorney because I thought I might die, not a person who just knows it would be a good idea to get it done "in case" but never does. But, I'm also a person who has been so blessed with such great news. And I'm so thankful.
But that doesn't diminish the fact that I need to reassemble myself as a person who has gone through this process. And in order to put the pieces back together, first comes the falling apart. It's such a messy process. But it must be done. With plenty of journaling and thinking included. Without putting those pieces back together you always feel like something is wrong and you can't put your finger on it. I know what needs to be done. I just don't want to do it. But, do it I must. Soon.
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