Saturday, February 07, 2009


I'm a very emotional person, although I like to think that I can control myself pretty well when it's necessary. For example, if someone around me needs emergency medical care I'm very calm about getting what they need. Then, once the danger has passed and they're being cared for, I become a blubbering mass. Being a blubbering mass, of course, is of no use to anyone for anything. But, it is sometimes very cathartic to the blubber-er.

The last few days I've been really emotional. Not necessarily over anything in particular, just in general. When I lay down at night I'm prone to be crying for reasons I can't even determine. I'm not sure if it's relief over the diagnosis after a few weeks of stress, worry over paying my medical bills, emotion over the loss of my body parts or just general malaise that I don't feel normal. I know I'm very bad at being sick, and I think the latter is one that is having a dramatic impact on me, although it's far less significant than the others you would think.

Today I had a little talk with myself that I need to stop this foolishness. I just got some of the best news of my life - it's benign - news thousands of people a day are praying for. I need to let go of this other stuff and be nothing but grateful. I hope I'm successful in this moving on endeavor.

I am so incredibly grateful to have a diagnosis of benign. I just need to manifest that gratitude in new ways.
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1 comment:

lillie said...

Patsy, don't be so hard on yourself. Cry when and if you need to with no shame. Remember also, there is a PHYSICAL reason for this emotional roller-coaster you are on. After all, you had a hysterectomy, which has your hormone balance disturbed. It will take time for your body to adjust to that, and the trauma of surgery in general. It is not a sign of weakness to give in to your emotions, but rather is completely understandable. Just realize it will improve in time.