Sunday, September 26, 2010

Productive Weekend

It has been a very productive weekend for me. I haven't seen anyone other than Greg all weekend. I gave up my usual Saturday routine, as well as attending some special events happening in town, to stay home and work on things. I have a freelance writing job that just came to me out of the blue, and I wanted to get it mostly wrapped up this weekend.

I worked around the house all day Saturday, going out that evening to meet Greg for dinner. I had wanted to go to the chili festival, the Prairie Book Festival and the KEC barbecue, but knew attending any one of those would mean I would stay and visit with people when I should be working, so I just didn't let myself go. Today I've done much the same thing - worked on projects all day, trying to get things done.

I feel so isolated sometimes. I go to work and come home and work on various freelance jobs - either doing them or looking for them. But, I don't know what else to do. I need the extra money from all those jobs to pay off medical bills, and if I slack off looking for them, or doing them, my income suffers down the road. So, for the immediate future this is my life. Some days my brain is exhausted, and my body feels worn out, but I have to keep doing it regardless. And, I remind myself, that I'm very fortunate I'm able to do it and that I have skills I can market.

Although I'm really, really sad about it, I've decided I just can't have a big Christmas, with all my decorations, this year. It takes a lot of time to do the decorating, and that's time I could be generating more income. So, I just can't do it. That will be two years without my big tree, which I love so very much. But, I have to focus on making extra money instead. It will be a real loss for me, but there are far bigger problems in the world.

I wish I could have everything, but there is a limit to how many things I can do in a day. I know it probably seems insane to people, but I love having my house decorated in every corner for Christmas. It makes me very, very happy to have everything so pretty and sparkly. But, it's just not meant to be this year. Thankfully, this year it's a choice I'm making and not one being thrust upon me.

I wish I had a different answer, but I need the money, and to make the money I have to have the time, and to have the time I have to give up other things I would spend the time on. One thing we can't ever get more of is time. I'm always mindful of spending my time wisely, and I hate to be spending it on thinking about making extra money. But, I just have to right now. I have no uncles left, so I'm certain I don't have any rich ones that are going to gift me with a small fortune!

I feel so out of touch with people. When I do allow myself time to be with friends it's so restorative, but it has to happen pretty easily or it just can't happen. I'll happily give up sleep, and make time to be with people, but I don't have the extra time to try and arrange lunches and gatherings like I have for the longest time. So, unless someone is seeking being with me, it just doesn't happen. I'm so thankful that Trish and Greg both suggest getting together regularly.

I miss people I used to see often for lunch, but since they make no effort to connect with me it's safe to assume that loss is one-sided. I suppose that's useful information to have, but it's not pleasant nonetheless. But, it just is what it is.

Ultimately, while I might want to spend a lot of quality time with friends, and have my extravagant Christmas decorations, and more time to write on my novel, journal, and paint for fun - it doesn't really matter. We all have to do what we have to do. And what I have to do is make extra money. So, there you go. I'm so weary of thinking about this all the time, and not having the time/energy to bring new things into my world, but it's what I have to do right now. So, I can be sad about that, or be thankful I'm making progress. I'm going with the latter.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a big job that solves some of these issues. Regardless, I'm going on my 19th hour of working on projects and I'm falling asleep in my chair so it's time to get some rest. In just five hours it will be time to be getting ready for work. I'm blessed to have a job I really like. Very fortunate.

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