Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Just Stuff

I've been feeling down lately. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I definitely feel it.

The stress of my job is a huge factor in how I feel. Stress is difficult for me, and I live my life in a way so that I have as little of it as possible. Ninety-eight percent of my stress is a result of my job. Ironic that it's a job in which one part of it is to suggest ways people can reduce their stress, huh?

Outside of work, and things related to work - like paying my bills, my stress level is very low. I don't have anyone in my life who's a problem. I just don't allow that. Everyone has ups and downs and that's understandable - those are things you weather with friends. But people who are always in turmoil are just not people I let into my world.

Judge me if you wish. I'm not saying it's the good Christian thing to do. I'm just saying it's the only way I can function. I spend a considerable amount of every day keeping my own emotions and thoughts under control. I just can't add in someone else's. I admire people who can, but my experience has been that very few people have that gift. That turmoil tends to spill over at some point.

Overall, life is good. I just need to be able to raise enough money for the MHA that I'm not always worried about its money - and therefore my money. I need to actually take some time off. Not time where I'm still answering the phone and dealing with some of the work things - an actual vacation where I'm just on vacation. I haven't had one of those in years.

I'm thankful for the job and the things it allows me to do. There are many things about it I love. This constant worry is not one of them. But, so far I haven't found a job that doesn't come with some sort of constant worry/stress. Seems there's always something to bring a big pile of stress to your doorstep and drop it off.

There are times I just want to drug myself into happiness. But, I know that's not the answer for me. That would just make me feel something artificial and remove some of impetus I have to change my life to have less stress.

I will be so happy to be making a living as a writer so I can get paid for something I'm doing anyway. Idyllic.
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