Sunday, October 11, 2009

Life and Changing

A week or two ago I was looking at the vision collage on my wall and thinking, "hmmm... gosh.... maybe it's time to do a new one of those."

It was this collage I did with friends at a retreat in Ramona in April of last year.

The thought didn't go any further than that, but it did cross my mind to do a new one. Well, when I came home from the hospital the other day, the collage had lost the pushpins holding it to the wall on the top and was bent over so it's no longer visible.

I guess if one were looking for a sign, that might be it. The whole point of vision collages is that you need to be able to see them everyday. This one, conveniently, has just made itself invisible. It's time for a new one.

However, today was not the day for it. Today I cleaned off my desk at home. And it took all day. Embarrassing, huh? But now there's a vast expanse of wood showing.

I'm going to make an effort to keep it this way. I'm so sick of not being able to use my desk effectively because it's covered with stuff. And it's not stuff I particularly need handy, apparently, because it just piles up. I'm not actually using it, I'm just storing it on top of the desk. That is not a good way to live.

It was a good thing for me to do with my time, because I decided to take it easy this weekend. I'm a little sore just from the moving around taking things from one room to another, but feeling better all the time. I think in another day or two I'll be feeling pretty normal.

I am so dreading having more surgery. I can't even really express how much I'm dreading it in so many ways. One of the things I've learned in the last few months is that people in your world get very weary of hearing about your concerns about such things. So, I've learned to keep them to myself by and large. But, when you're the one on this side of the equation you can't help but think about the "what-ifs."

Yes, this is a "minor" surgery. When you're the one being cut open nothing seems minor. And I don't even feel fully recovered from the last time I was cut open. But, no matter how many tears I cry over it or how scared I am, it's still going to have to be done. So, I'm working on changing my attitude about it. My current one is not going to be a good way to go under. So, I'm going to have to get a new one. Quickly.

I'm allowing myself to wallow until midnight tonight and then that's it. So, I've got another 26 minutes to fret and freak out and then I have to make a mental shift.

It takes considerable mental energy to make that sort of a shift and I'm running a little low on that these days, so I'm conserving my energy on all fronts to devote to this. This has been a year much loss for me - everything from body parts to a dear friend to some really painful emotional losses - but life goes on and I'm going to have to go with it.

One of the things I repeated to myself for many months after my mother's death was, "The sun is gonna rise in the morning." No matter what is going on in my life, the sun will come up, the world will spin, and life will go on.

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