I lead a charmed existence. I have known this for many years, and today is yet another example of why it's true.



Greg and I spent the evening - a beautiful evening - on a golf course in Wichita watching Air Supply. Forty-eight hours ago, I didn't even know there was an Air Supply concert planned and tonight I was sitting there with die-hard fans enjoying the free concert.








A friend of Greg's gave him tickets. We were a bit wishy-washy on going, but are so glad we did. I wanted to go to Wichita thrift store hopping and Greg decided he wanted to do that, too. We thought since we were there anyway we should check out the concert. This was after Greg had offered the tickets to another friend of his who is a devoted Air Supply fan.



The deal was you were supposed to park at an aircraft factory lot, and busses would run from there to the golf course for a concert that was starting at 8.




Well, at 8 we were finishing up thrift stores. So, we moseyed on over to the parking lot and found where we were supposed to park. But, the security guards told us the last bus had run and we were out of luck. We asked if we could just drive to the golf course and park there and they said no, there was no parking there for the concert.

We thanked them and drove off. I looked at Greg and said, "lets just go over there." He said, "yeah, definitely." So, we drive the 2-3 more miles over to the golf course, where we found another security guard at the gate. In my best southern girl voice I asked if there was anywhere there we could park for the concert. He said to go to the right and if we could find a place we could have it. We found one. A very nice one, actually.








So, we walked on into the event and arrived just as things were getting underway. I still had my lawn chair in the car from last night's Rudy Love concert so I set it up in the back and got comfy and sat back to enjoy the music. Greg, of course, headed right down front to get photos. It was very casual, so even though we had arrived late, he was able to go straight to the stage.  Naturally, all of these photos are his.



After the concert we met up and went and waited in line to meet the guys. They were very gracious with everyone, and even posed for a photo with Ace.





I gotta tell you - these guys put on a show. Even if you're not huge fans, you'll walk away impressed. And, for the record, there were lots of men there without women in tow. Straight men.



I guess if you tour for 30 years, you learn how to put on a show. Or, maybe that's the other way around and you don't get people paying to see you for 30 years unless you know how to put on a show. Regardless of the chicken/egg order, the show is worth seeing.

The crowd was loving it.



Greg tells me multiple women were flashing the band. Poor Greg. One has to suffer for one's art - even including watching women bare their breasts to the band.



Just in case you were wondering, it was a successful day of thrifting, too. Charmed, I tell you... a charmed life... for which I'm incredibly thankful.
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Rudy Love and the Love Family Band in Hutchinson

Rudy Love and the Love Family Band kicked off the weekend long Emancipation Day Celebration in Hutchinson Kansas tonight. It was a free concert, sponsored by the Hutchinson Reno Arts and Humanities Council. There was free music, free hotdogs, free lemonade and ice water. What more could you want on a summer evening?



I've seen Rudy and family perform before, but it's always a treat.



A musical prodigy Rudy formed his first group, the “Junior Canaanites” at his home church when he was in the 5^th grade, by the age of 18 he was touring with Little Richard and in the early 1970s was an established studio artist working for Motown Records and the Muscle Shoals Rhythm Section appearing on records with such luminaries as Marvin Gaye, Ray Charles, and the Temptations.

In 1975 Love became the musical director for Sly and the Family Stone touring the world with that popular group. Later as a soloist and leader of his own band Rudy extensively toured Asia and Europe developing a loyal following of fans that help make his 1997 disc “Out of Rhythm” go platinum.



Rudy has recorded with some of the greatest. This list includes Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Carlos Santana, Marvin Gaye, Chaka Kahn, Van Morrison, Little Richard, Billy Preston, Buddy Miles, Herbie Hancock, Tower of Power, Bill Wyman, Little Richard, Sly and The Family Stone and Isaac Hayes.



Returning to Kansas Love has kept performing, recording and writing music. Examples of Rudy’s more recent work can be found on the sound track of the hit movie “American Gangster” and his collaborations with hip hop impresario Jay Z.




With Wichita as a home base Rudy Love has continued the family tradition of musical performing excellence began by his father Robert Love Sr. who recorded for the Chess Record label and toured the country as a performing musician with noted gospel and R & B artists. Now the next generation is performing as well.




One of the fun things about an event like this is bumping into friends and acquaintances. It was great to see Jocelyn...



When I looked at Greg's pix, I noticed he also had a photo of her family.



That's Jocelyn's mom in the salmon, and that's Theda in the white. With her back to us is Aunt Joyce. I didn't get a chance to visit with any of them tonight, but I know I've mentioned Theda on the blog, so now you get to see a photo. I'm sure you can tell these ladies all come from an amazing gene pool - look how great they look!

Diana was there too...



I also saw Scharlotte, although I didn't get much of a chance to visit with her. That's her on the right. With her are Mark and his wife, Gail. Mark is director of the HRAH council.



I sat with Elsie for quite a while and visited...

Greg got some great pix of these kids dancing... it was hard to choose a photo to use...



I love, love, love this park - right in the heart of downtown. It changed the face of Hutchinson. It's a real jewel.





Of course... almost all of these photos are courtesy of www.thelope.com.
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To Write Love on Her Arms

Today you may run into people who have "Love" written on their arms. It's an event inspired by the "To Write Love on Her Arms" story. The goal is to raise awareness of depression, addiction, self-injury and other mental illnesses. If you want to read more about it, go to http://www.twloha.com/the_story.php. If you want to participate, read more about it on facebook and write love on your arm.

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Fresh Tomato and Mozzarella Salad

Fresh Tomato and Mozzarella Salad is one of my summertime recipes. It's incredibly easy.



Start with some goodies from the garden



wash the basil, chop coarsely and pour some olive oil over it to flavor the oil



Fresh Tomato and Mozzarella Salad

2 tomatoes, peeled and sliced
1 ball fresh mozzarella, sliced
one bunch fresh basil
2 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

Wash basil and chop coarsely. Pour olive oil over and let sit.

Layer tomatoes and mozzarella and drizzle olive oil over all. Garnish with basil. Add salt and freshly ground pepper to taste.

This is plenty to serve two, or four if you're using it as an appetizer.

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Happy 1950s Housewife

I could have easily been a 1950s housewife. Never mind I wasn't alive in the 50s. Fantasies can't be bogged down with these minor details.

From what I understand, in the 50s women spent their time making a house a home. I know it's a cliche. I know we're all supposed to be concerned about our profit sharing numbers. I know we spent the 60s overcoming the 50s.

Can we just put all of that aside for a moment and think about how lovely it would be to sit down to a home-cooked meal every night, in a clean house, with a beautifully set table? The family would be gathered around, listening to father dispensing wisdom while we all ate our home-baked coconut pie with the real meringe. Okay, I'll admit, parts of that scenario creep me out a little bit - particularly that part about Dad dispensing wisdom.

But, I could so easily have been happy spending the day in my house, puttering around and dusting, stopping only to make canapes to be served with a relish tray of olives and home-made pickles. The day would end as we slipped into crisp, clean sheets still smelling of sunshine and perhaps a tiny spritz of lavendar water. Of course, my vision of this 1950s life includes microwaves, modern vacuum cleaners, racial equality, and the internet. Hey, it's my fantasy. Don't ruin it for me.

I'm not sure exactly what part of this fantasy appeals to me, but I think it's mostly having a home I want to be in and not having to leave it to go into the work world. However, the more I think about it, it sounds completely exhausting to make this ideal home. It might require Martha Stewart and staff, as well as the fictional Bree Hodges. And I haven't even added in the 2.5 children yet. We better bring supernanny into the picture too.

I'm starting to understand why women rebelled against this, although I'm surprised they had any energy left for rebellion. Now that I think about it I guess I just want the canapes and fresh sheets, surrounded by a spotless home.

I guess that's why this is a fantasy...
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Friends and Food

Teresa, Peggy and Andrea came over last night for a gathering. We talked about the collages we did in April, looking for new insights. All of us still need to do a lot of journaling, per the book, but it was a nice evening.

Everyone brought something to share and we ended up having quite a spread of food. Teresa even made her wonderful chicken salad. It's always good to share food with friends.



It also gave me a chance to use those cool glasses in that carrier you see in the photo. Are those not the coolest?!?!? I bought them at goodwill for $6.99 last week. All eight of them are in great shape - the look like they've not even been used. I love them.

A bonus of the evening was that I was able to send some tomatoes home with all of them. I'm starting to feel a bit like a pusher. I have 12 plants in. Why? Because I just can't seem to stop myself from buying them when they're first out. That's when they're a foot tall. Now they're growing out the top of the six foot cages. And producing. And producing more.

Unfortunately, some of my favorite tomatoes are one that don't produce as much - things like golden jubilee. I had a fresh one with a sandwich for lunch Monday. Yum!

Andrea reminded me last night of the old Garrison Keillor joke about being afraid to leave your car unlocked in the summer because someone might put garden produce in it.

Barriers, Masks and Words that Make Me Unapproachable

I think of myself as very open and approachable. I'm always open to new friendships, new experiences and new people and places. It's how I'm living life. At least that's what I think.

However, over the years, multiple people have told me that when they first met me they found me "unapproachable" in one way or another. What's interesting is that this attitude is formed without me speaking a word or interacting with them in any way. I can only conclude my non-verbal cues are strong.

My friend, Leah, told me that when she used to see me in the hallways of the building where we both worked, she thought I was very standoffish. We had exchanged hellos a few times, but that didn't impact her view.

One of my former boyfriends told me that the day he met me he thought the, "chance for rejection was extremely high." I asked for clarification and he said I gave the impression that I had it all together. When I pressed  more he pointed out my little red glasses I had at the time. He said, "Your glasses are like you're saying to the world - hey, you may not know they're cool, but I do, and I don't care what you think. Besides, you'll come around. You'll think they're cool too eventually."

I'm astonished that I can communicate this much with a pair of glasses or the way I walk down a hallway or any number of other things. But, I don't question the veracity of it. The real proof is in what people perceive, not what I think I'm doing or not doing, and those were their perceptions so they're valid.

Another acquaintance told me once, when we were starting to get to know each other - and obviously we didn't really accomplish that because she's not a "friend" but an "acquaintance" - that "not everyone is as healthy as you" when it comes to relationships. We were talking about co-dependency at the time, as I recall. I was literally sitting there with my mouth hanging open because I could not believe anyone would consider me "healthy" with regard to relationships. I've got a string of them behind me - all failed - and the common denominator there is me - so why would anyone think I'm good at this. The proof tells another story.

But, she found it very "off-putting" that I was adamant that I would never live with an alcoholic or accept a "crazymaker" into my life. I didn't say she couldn't do that, just that I would never live with that. I wasn't offering this opinion out of turn - it was asked - but the fact that I was certain about my feelings seemed to be the real issue. Is it more engaging if you're uncertain? If you need to talk about these things to figure out why you feel this way? I'm very clear about why I feel this way, and I'd be happy to share, but it's a long, ugly, pretty boring story. Why would I subject someone to that?

Honest to goodness, I don't go through my days scowling. I think I'm a pretty smiley-faced person most of the time. That has changed over the years, of course. We all change as we mature. I would say I like my personality better now than I did 20 years ago. Leah met me then, but the ex-bf and acquaintance were far more recent than that, so the problem hasn't gone away.

At the same time, other people are puzzled when I mention this. They can't imagine why anyone would think I'm not open and friendly. Jade found me very open when we met a few months ago. At least I think so. I'll try to confirm that with her when we have lunch tomorrow. I'm assuming that other people I've met recently found me open, as well. At least they seem to. Maybe I better ask.

The "unapproachable" thing has come up often enough throughout my life that I think it's worthy of some exploration on my part. I'm just stymied by what that should be. Generally when I need to figure something out I put pen to paper and write. Tonight I decided maybe I'd try the fingers to keyboard approach instead.

This past weekend, when Trish was looking at my collage I did in April, she said the words were distracting to her. That the words on it are all things I would say but that the real meaning was beneath that and the words were just a barrier to seeing everything else. I asked Trish yesterday, and Teresa tonight, what it is about me that it seems I'm holding back.

I write about my life here almost every day. And, yes, much of it is very surface stuff. But, some of it is much more personal and has deeper meaning. I've written about everything from the death of my mother, to losing a man I loved, to my thoughts on politics and attitudes about almost everything imaginable.

Yes, I still keep pen/paper journals and I don't write here about the things in those. But, by and large, those are things I can't imagine anyone wants to hear about. They're things I've only ever discussed with two of the men I've been seriously involved with, and even then there are things I keep private. Doesn't everyone? I thought everyone had a private life - a life where they keep their insecurities, fears and traumas. Is this not the case? Seriously, this is a real question - not rhetorical. I certainly don't know all of those things about everyone in my life so either they don't have that private life or they are keeping it quiet. I have it, but I've never thought anyone would be particularly interested in it - nor is it something I want to give a lot of energy to by discussing. Is that what is missing?

I do not write here about my love life, nor do I discuss it much in real life. There is no one I'm serious about at the moment, so that's probably why. If I were madly in love it would show through in the writing, but when that part of my life is casual instead of serious, there just isn't much to say. The occasional funny comment from someone, but that's about it. Besides, I've learned that very few people are interested in your intimate life. It makes most people feel envy or pity, and neither of those is flattering to any of us, so why go there?

Additionally, I want to interact with the people in my life on their own merits, not those of the other people in their lives - so I try to extend that courtesy to others. I'd love to meet your husband, wife, significant other, son, grandchild, etc. - and form a relationship with them. But, I need to connect with people on a more meaningful level than the fact that they have married or reproduced or that their progeny have done the same. I'd rather form a relationship with each of those people on their own strengths. Does this make me unapproachable? I don't know.

I would not share all of my private thoughts with someone I just met, but that doesn't seem to be appropriate for anyone. I have a fragile core that I do protect until I know I can trust someone, but I thought that was normal. Doesn't everyone have a fragile core? A place where you keep all your deep insecurities tucked away? Surely you don't share those when you're first meeting people. At least I don't meet people like that. Well, truthfully, I have met a few people who tell you way too much about themselves when you first meet, and I've always been afraid I might be one of those people.

I'm really struggling with this at the moment. I guess I'm puzzled what to do about it, if anything. I'm having some difficulty pinpointing the problem, which makes it impossible to address, of course. How do I communicate that I am open and willing to engage? How do I find the false front I give to the world when I don't even know what it is myself?

I'm trying to be logical and look for examples in my life and consider if those are unique to me or if they are common experiences. Obviously, this is something I want to address - I just don't know how. I want to be open with people. I want to be engaging. I want to be open to possibility.
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A Weekend in Elk Falls Kansas

Elk Falls, Kansas is in the southeastern part of the state. Trish, Teresa and I spent the weekend  at the Sherman House Guesthouse there, so we could have some time away for a creative visioning process. It was the same process I did at Ramona with some friends in April.









I didn't do a new collage because I haven't fully delved into the one I did in April. I took it along, and Trish had some good insights into it.



Elk Falls is an interesting community and we enjoyed meeting Steve and Jane Fry, who own the Sherman House B and B and also operate Elk Falls Pottery. They were lovely folks and invited us to also visit their rock garden. I'll have more photos of that in the coming days.

I went out early this morning to the falls, where I spotted this heron enjoying the breaking day.



I then took a lovely drive out into the country. Trish loaned me her car as I didn't have one with me. Greg headed to Joplin on Friday so he just detoured and took me to Elk Falls. It was nice to have his company on the way down and Trish's on the way back.

Teresa met us there, coming up from Oklahoma where she had been to watch her granddaughter, Kylie, play in a national softball tournament. Her team came in fifth!

Friday night Teresa and I headed out for dinner and decided to go to Sedan. We did not enjoy our food at the Rack Shack (BBQ) very much - I'm sorry I can't recommend it - but we saw a beautiful double rainbow.



I couldn't resist taking a photo of downtown Sedan with the rainbow stretched over the main street. Of course, those power lines detract, but otherwise it's a lovely chamber of commerce shot. To top it off, Sedan has a "yellow brick road," where people buy bricks, which I had stepped on to take the photo.



It was an incredible weekend. We want to do it again very soon.
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How Wisk Laundry Detergent Lost My Brand Loyalty

Brand loyalty is something companies desperately want. It means that you will only buy their product in that category of thing. I'm brand loyal to very few things - Wisk laundry detergent, Heinz catsup, Tampax tampons and Jif extra crunchy peanut butter. I know it's not a long list, but I am fiercely loyal to those things - would never buy another brand - even if they were selling it for a penny.

However, I recently bought something other than Wisk, and I can't imagine I'll ever go back. What happened to make me stop after 20 or 25 years of buying only Wisk? Was I unhappy with the product itself? No. I was unhappy with their lack of commitment to the environment.

A few months ago they, along with other companies, came out with triple strength detergents. That meant smaller bottles and less packaging ending up in the landfill. Then, almost as suddenly. the triple strength disappeared and only double strength was available again. I've been waiting for the 3x to come back and have given up. Their website says it's available but if I can't actually purchase it at my local store it doesn't matter that it may still be manufactured somewhere. And, frankly, I'm not keen on the idea of continuing to manufacture the lower strenghts when it's not necessary.

So, I looked at the choices on the shelf and bought All because it was one that was triple strength. Wisk has lost my business. Of course, I'm only one customer and I doubt very seriously they care they've lost my $5 worth of detergent purchases every 2-3 months. But, if I'm really serious about doing what's good for the environment I cannot buy a product that is generating more waste than is necessary. I can either be serious about doing what I can in my personal life or I can blather on about it and continue to spend my money on products that aren't doing all they can. I'm choosing to be serious.

Of course, the main reason they won't care about my business is that Wisk and All are both manufactured by Unilever. So, the same company is getting my money in the end anyway. Can you say conglomerate?

Of course, the danger to them is that I have no brand loyalty to All yet. And that's not something any company wants to hear, because I could wander down the aisle and buy something from another company. They want to engender brand loyalty above all. But, All does offer a coupon for a $1 off on their website, so they'll probably get me to buy at least one more bottle.

Have I ever mentioned my somewhat unnatural love of coupons? I think it's just the coolest thing to get money off of something I'm going to be buying anyway. I don't use them nearly as much as I would - just because I don't get them very often - but this one conveniently printed out at my elbow. Coupons are one of the ways companies get you to try new things, and try to build brand loyalty of ones you're already using.

Oh, and as usual, the regular disclaimer - I'm not a blog whore - and when I write about a product here it's genuine and not because someone is paying me for it. If I'm getting perks for writing something about a company or product or whatever I'll be very clear about that - so far no one has been banging down my cyber-door, asking me to tout their products. The only perk I'm getting is the same coupon you can get by following the link above.
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Zucchini and Tomato Dish

I had a fresh zucchini out of the garden, and some tomatoes, which seemed like the perfect thing to make a dinner with. So... here's what I whipped up. It was pretty tasty - of course, most things fresh out of the garden are.

Zucchini and Tomato Dish

1 clove garlic, minced
1 small onion, chopped
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 tomatoes, peeled and chopped
1 zucchini, sliced

Saute garlic and onion in olive oil. Add tomatoes and zucchini. Let simmer on top of the stove, stirring occasionally, until the water is cooked out. Dish up and eat as is. Or, sprinkle some cheese on top for another taste.

You can adjust the amount of ingredients to suit your taste, of course.

I think some tofu cooked in it, or some chicken, would also be delish.

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Christmas Around the Corner

Every year I take a healthy amount of ribbing about my love of Christmas. I tell everyone the secret is to start early. Yes, I'm one of those people. Some of my presents are already bought and wrapped. OK, I'll wait for your groans and laughter. Now...

Last night I was thinking I would write a blog entry about this very thing and point out to people that this weekend will be five months until Christmas. So, if you want to get your shopping underway before the holiday rush you have four months - that's 16 weekends - to do it. You could also be planning holiday gatherings, addressing your Christmas cards or whatever else you like to do for the holidays. The point is, if you want to be enjoying the holiday season you can't wait until the last minute to get going or you'll be overwhelmed. Well, I will - maybe you won't.

So, last night I was thinking about this and then I thought... no... I'm just not going to write that. I'm not going to go there. People will be annoyed, thinking I'm pushing the season.

But, then today at lunch with Jade I got a call from Greg who had been to Hobby Lobby with a friend and had found.... are you ready... yes... it's true... their holiday decorations! I was at a restaurant who's parking lot joins Hobby Lobby's so I trotted over there to look at them. I even snuck the photo.

So... I'm just saying... this is the time to get started if you want to have a relaxed holiday season...

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Working on the Novel

I've been writing on the novel the last few days whenever I have a spare moment. I am trying to develop the skill of being able to write anywhere under any circumstances. I'm so much more efficient when I have a stretch of time to work on it uninterrupted. But I'm making some progress.

Obviously, all I'm doing is working... then writing when I'm not working... there's not much to blog about.

People keep asking about the novel. It's a southern fiction book with a healthy dose of mysticism. More details will follow eventually, but at this point it's still forming. I appreciate everyone's interest.
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Harvey Houses Remembered at Tea in Arlington Kansas

Sunday Teresa, Julie, Jan and I went to tea in Arlington, Kansas. This is a fundraiser tea and it's just completely lovely.



Verna is one of the ladies who organizes it. They transform their church basement by carrying in tons of wonderful decorations. And, the food is always very good.



This was just one of the little desserts they served. Yummy.

Their program this year was about Fred Harvey and Harvey Houses. Joanne Stanley came from Topeka to give the program.

Fred Harvey developed a system, in conjunction with the Santa Fe Railroad, to serve food to rail passengers. The first Harvey House was in Topeka in 1876. For 35 cents you got eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, pancakes, coffee and apple pie. It was served on real china on real linens. It was a revolution in the industry.

Within seven years, Harvey had 17 places in operation.



The lady in the blue, over to the right edge, was a Harvey girl herself.



Her name is Evelyn Nunnemaker. I went over afterwards and asked if I could take her photo. She was just lovely and have a great smile, but I couldn't get her to show it to me when I was taking a photo. She worked at the Harvey House at the Grand Canyon. She taught school and was looking for a summer job and got that one.

She was hired on the spot and sent the next day, which was unusual. Many girls trained in Newton, Kansas. All the laundry for the whole chain was done in Newton, too.

Fred Harvey started out with men serving, but in 1883 when the male waiters had been in a brawl the night before and didn't show up for work, a manager in New Mexico suggested using girls instead and Fred Harvey liked the idea. He started advertising for women 18-30, attractive, educated and of good character.



The speaker, Stanley, brought some items to show, as well. Harvey bought his first hotel in Florence, Kansas a few years after he started. He hired the chef from the Palmer House Hotel in Chicago and paid him $5000 a year. No doubt he was the best paid man in Florence, Kansas, at the time.

Harvey girls worked hard - usually 6-7 days a week from 12 hours a day. They lived in dormitories as part of the Harvey system.



We all had a good time...



That's Julie in the hat, and Teresa...



And this is Jan, who loves tea, too. It was a great afternoon.

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Demands of Grief

“Sorrow breaks seasons
and reposing hours,
Makes the night morning,
and the noontide night.”
   William Shakespeare

I haven't been sleeping well lately, which is nothing new for me. But, it has been extreme of late. If you get my updates on facebook you know it was daylight the last two nights before I went to bed. The last time I recall looking at the clock this morning it was 6:23.

I'm up within a few hours and go all day long again, thinking I will sleep at some point, but I don't. At 5 p.m. I'm so tired I think I will go right to sleep. But, by 7:30 or 8 I'm wide awake. Then I tell myself I'll go to bed at 10. Then it's 12:30. Then it's 2. Then it's daylight.

The other day I was talking with an acquaintance about grief. He said, "Well, you must still be grieving your brother's passing in January." It struck me anew that grief is still fresh for me. Again.

It seems the last few years events have occurred that have provided a steady stream of grief. The death of my mother in 2001 was traumatic, to say the least. Just a few weeks prior one of my best friends had died. A few months after my mother's death I made some major life changes - many of which were very positive.

But, whenever you go to something, you're leaving something else, and it had some good or you wouldn't have stayed in it. For example, I bought a house and moved, leaving an apartment I had lived in a long time. I was happy to have the house, but I had many happy memories in that apartment, too. I remember the man I loved asking me one day when were moving things if I would miss the place. I said, "no," but I quickly qualified it because those walls had been witness to many happy times in my life. Change. It's always difficult.

Before I had fully grieved my mother's passing, which took me some years to do, I lost that man I loved deeply when he decided the relationship was not working for him. In retrospect I realize that in my grief I was not the person he had fallen in love with in the first place, but I couldn't see that then. For some time I was grieving both those things. Just as I was starting to come out of that darkness, my brother was diagnosed with cancer. He fought the disease until January of this year and then grief made itself a new nest in my heart.

I've had no time to grieve my brother's passing. I think maybe that's why I can't sleep at night - grief is demanding its due. I've been down this road enough times you'd think I would grasp the nuances. Yet, one never wants to give oneself over to grief. It can be so encompassing.

Instead one fills life with cooking demonstrations and teas and work and novels and anything that keeps the mind too occupied to allow grief to envelope it. But, grief will have its time it seems, at the expense of other things - like sleep. It's probably no accident that I've spent very little time in my art studio and very little time with pen to paper in the last year, two areas where true emotion is close at hand. By the same token, it's probably no accident that I have felt "flat" for a long time. One can't keep one emotion at bay without flattening others, too.

In the years after my mother's death, when things seems so raw for so long, grief wore me out. I have been resistant to letting it lodge with me again. I'm not sure there's any more of me to give to it. But, it seems there is no choice - that it will be my companion for awhile, regardless of my attempts to deny it. Perhaps grief and I can agree to make it a brief while. I would be so thankful for that. And I know my brother wouldn't mind if this season of grief were a short one.